All about the single life in Seattle

Do you believe in the expression about ’you don’t get something for nothing’, something along the lines of ‘you’ve gotta give to get’?  I do.

You may recall I met “Single” the night of the Heart Ball (one week ago, 6/13).  We had planned to have lunch last Wednesday (6/17) but I couldn’t make it.  He tried to pull some kind of Jedi mind trick on me claiming that if I couldn’t meet with him that day then he was unavailable until the next Thursday, 6/25.  Sorry dude, since my sister will be staying with me for the marathon then I guess we actually wouldn’t be able to meet up until early July and I have a friend coming in town on the 3rd so it would need be very early July or after the 5th.  Whew…that was a timeline!! 

Note: I created an actual timeline to be cute but I’ve spent hours now trying to get it to work in here.  I love you but I’ve got to get out and live life so I can blog… so fuck it…you can figure it out…back to the story….

I like Single, but I’m well aware he’s just looking to play.  He’s having the time of his life doing the social scene in Seattle.  He’s a good looking man with a lot of money and connections.  Life is good.  I’m not one of those girls that thinks I’m going to be the one to pull him off the market.  Besides, I have a great situation.  The person that pulls me off the market has got to be spectacular because I’m not giving all of this up easily.  So if we can’t get together until July, that’s fine with me; no worries – I will still be Single In Seattle! (smile)

Given this information, his calendar magically opens and this week he can see me either Monday or Tuesday.  WHA?  You just said you were booked until Thursday and now you have two days open??  Ok, I feel like I’m throwing out a lot of dates here….you get the game, right?  I can’t possibly see you until much later because you think that’s gonna force my hand into seeing you now, when you want.  Sorry asshole, I’m not into games.  I’m a real deal girl.  KIR!!  The thing is he obviously recognized that when we “played”.  When we played, I pleased him and he did nothing for me meaning no sexual pleasure, no dinner, gifts, or payment.  It’s cool.  When I feel like it, I’m generous and I genuinely like to play but don’t think you can order that shit on demand.  Huh uh.  This is where I get pissed off at men and their need to try to take advantage.  You can have it all bitch, but you pay for it.  You pay in attention, you pay in nice dinners, you pay in gifts, fuck…you may be in a hurry and just pay a girl in cash.  But you pay!  Every now and then you might not, but then it’s on my fucking terms, dumb ass and you should be grateful you’ve got yourself in a spot like that….it’s rare baby, it doesn’t happen often unless you are a celebrity… and for discretion…they pay too.

I agree to meet Single on Tuesday around 3pm.  We discuss going to have a drink.  This is all via text message.  He asks me ‘what will you wear when I see you next?’.  Now unless you are a gay fashionista, I’m pretty sure you want to put in a request.  I’m cool with that.  Again, I keep it real and don’t play games.  If you have a thing for jeans, a little black dress, whatever, than just let me know; let’s not waste time with me trying to figure out your needs.  He’s aware of this since during our first meet I ask preferences and he was very specific “bite my nipples, suck my dick or lick my asshole”.  Hmmm, ok you clearly have no issues giving direction as to what you like.  BTW – I’m not licking anyone’s asshole.  I’ve had it done to me but I’m not doing it and I find it hilarious that he had the balls to ask….especially without touching the wallet.  In that moment I’m kinda turned on that he’s such a prick…but that was probably all the alcohol. Now I find it annoying.  So regarding the wardrobe, I ask him: jeans? dress? lingerie? white, black, or red?  He responds ‘We’ll meet in your house. White lingerie with jeans on bottom XO’.  Ok cool, I’ve got a note to go pick up some cute new white lingerie.  I love to shop!  Then he sends me a text asking ‘what should I wear?’.  Perfect time for me to clear the air on an important issue…pubes. 

Guys, that shit has got to go if you want a girl’s mouth down there.  No negotiations on that one.  Sorry fuckers.  I will do it once…in most cases it is because I didn’t realize you are still sporting a fur bikini, like its still fucking 1992, but after that initial shocker we will have to discuss.  I do give a little bit of room for the married.  They don’t have to go bald but they still must trim, your wife will appreciate it too.  The Mr is scared of his wife and therefore afraid to make any change; your loss baby.  He has a full 60 year old bush.  Ewww…..wanna guess how many blowjobs he’s received in our 3 years together.  None!!  Well, maybe I’ve been drunk enough to pop down there for a second on special nights that he’s surprised me with something fabulous, like my surprise birthday trip to the Fairmont in Sonoma for massages, wine, fabulous meals, and lots of sex but that’s it.  (BTW great night…I had too much wine and don’t remember every detail.  He still claims that was the best sex we’ve ever had.  I woke up and the room was soaked??  They have those spa tubs and I filled it too full and got crazy…. Sometimes I need supervision!).  I laugh every time he claims to know ’you hate blowjobs’.  No daddy, I give great head and I love doing it.  I’ve got it down, the key is a very wet mouth.  Remember, I talked about the Embrace lube?  Use it!!!  It is key.  But if there is a jungle down there, I’m gonna gag.  Fur holds a scent.  That’s all I’m gonna say about that. 

MEN, you claim to know bald is beautiful??  We’re referring to your crotch and not your head.  Shave it!  It makes your dick look bigger and makes us want to visit more often.

So back to his text ‘what should I wear’.  I respond…’naked…and shaved’.  He writes back ‘naked is fine but not shaving cept face’. 

Folks, we have now got a problem

Are we really going to debate this? Mr, done nothing for me, been clear you aren’t even looking to date, wants to come over to get spoiled but you can’t even pacify me by cleaning up your crotch?  Men like this kill me.  Then hire a hooker, asshole.  He tries to put me on the spot with ’you don’t like how I am?’…really, dude?  We have to play all this?  All of this stupid bullshit cools me waaayoff.  We’re no longer playing…you are looking for something for nothing.  Gross.  Go fuck yourself Single.  I’m over you.  We have a few more text message where he tries to dangle the carrot but what he doesn’t realize is his ’carrot’ is the offer to suck him off (ok wait…his carrot is his cock.  Not that’s funny!).  Another case of a man that thinks porn is real.  We aren’t aching to suck a cock.  Sorry to kill it for you.  ‘How about a little at a time?  How did I feel in your mouth last time?’, he writes.

Now I’m just getting pissed off.

‘You felt furry and smelled like it had been 12 hour since you showered, like you had been dancing and working up a sweat.  Yum???? Not so much. Get a razor, send a pic, and we’ll meet up.’  I guess he either thought he had nothing to lose, maybe he didn’t give a fuck, maybe he’s just plain dumb (I think that’s that case).  He responds with ‘we’ll explore’.  And that’s the end of Single.  I send one last response ‘Eh. I’m not a fan of negotiating sex. Good luck. Nice to have met you’.  He’s sent a few more messages since then but usually when I’ve got to “I’m over it”, I really am over it. 

So there you go.  I’m not asking for your black Amex(yum, I did enjoy a cutie in Tampa that had one…maybe I’ll post about that sometime soon) but when a girl asks for a small detail like shaving, you better do it.  As a matter of fact, if any of you dudes reading still have a fur bikini do yourself a favor…shave it TODAY.  You’ll thank me.  Your woman will thank you and very possibly put her mouth down there.  If she doesn’t…call me….but I’ll have a price…remember, you can’t get something for nothing, right?!

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